I've reached 77 inches tonight with this flareup. A new personal record...one I wish not to keep breaking
Heyyyy love bugs. Been a few days since I've posted. I've been focusing more on other areas around the site. But I feel like now is a good blog update. Ready?
Well for one. I saw my surgeon on Wednesday. And news wasn't as bad as I expected....but I was hoping for wayyyyyyyyy better.
I went into surgery on April 16th, 2015. And I was told to come back to see him a month later. Well the time rolled around and I went in to the clinic.
It started off with some questions and answers. Then the news came and we found out something went wrong.
My heart skipped 100 beats in the timeframe.
When he was using the gas to expand my abdomen so he could search my body refused to expand. He tried several times for over half an hour and still it would not happen. So he had to give up. He didn't end up seeing anything and we are still left with lots of pain and no answers.
Apparently this rarely happens. And my case is one of a million. And his first. As he's never seen this.
So what's next for this ongoing battle??
I have an MRI scheduled for June 17th (private health care or it'd be months longer). MRI consists of iodine...and from there we will go.
This is a picture I've stumbled upon today...I have no idea why, but it speaks so much to me. It's a girl trying to make herself look like a model.
I've tried for years. I've done crazy diets, starved myself and so much more damage...when in reality I should love myself for who I am and try and stay healthy.
Yet there is a part of me upon seeing this picture that gives me a sick feeling of wanting to do something dangerous to be skinny.
Yesterday I went to see the urologist. I had a cystoscopy done to check the inside of the bladder. This is where they take a flexible tube and stuff it up your vagina into the urinary tract system and then release liquid as it fills up your bladder.
By far it was the most painful thing I have ever encountered...and I have been through many doctors tests.
The test took no more then 8 minutes...even if it felt like I was there hours. After the test I saw the doctor. He said there is nothing abnormal...and I was given meds for the infections and meds to slow down my bladder and kidneys from having me need to pee every 30 minutes/an hour (most of the time my bladder was not even full).
I left the place and drove to the arena. I think I was in more shock then anything. I got to the rink and automatically had to pee...well wasn't urine, it was still the liquid they put into my bladder.
After that, within the hour I had to go three more times and that felt like I was peeing razor blades. It was getting worse...but drinking liters of water did help. I even bought the antibiotics to help and now, the day after it worked.
Woke up this morning...had a mental breakdown within 5 minutes of being awake. After stood up, walked to the bathroom and threw up for about 10 minutes. It was all bile and tasted like sugar. I could not even drink water from the taste.
Instantly I knew what I was in for. I got dressed and went to a clinic, to see a doctor I am comfortable seeing. I told her that my stomach was burning, felt acid in my stomach and all the way to my mouth. She felt my stomach and pressed on it and more acid was coming up.
Right then, I was diagnosed with stomach ulcers. These were caught early...ONLY because I have had them two other times. All three times were in an 18 month span.
She gave me pills to take, every day for a month and after if it does not help I have to go back and see her.
How did I get them: Pain killers. Simple as that. I was overdosing on pain killers which caused acid and burning in the lining.
Blue pills I took about 10-15 per day. White Pills I took 1-2 a day (Max)
And while the 15 pills isn't normal....I should have taken more of the white and less of the blue.
To learn more about Stomach Ulcers, please go to the list of illnesses.
Even with chronic illnesses. I try to balance out full time school with skating and coaching...even if it is too much. & this semester I got my highest marks/average....in UNIVERSITY
I had an English class...it was writing and making a portfolio. && I got a B+ on the class. I did miss quite a few classes because of the fibro flares but I lost some marks with online stuff....
Political Science Class....even though I didn't do much studying. I loved the teacher. I did the essay/Mid term and final exam and the final exam must've been really good to get me that mark.
Health and Sports class...was really fun and I took it more for personal reason.
Anthropology was my worst class. It was hard to keep up and understand but I tried my best.
All my classes are passed. Which means my semester is passed.
I did all this with 1000 doctors appointments, coaching, finding a job etc!
To my peeps suffering, don't give up. Live the best you can. You only have one life. Control your body and don't let it control you❤️
Wow!!! First apologies to the previous post. It looks like a two year old wrote it. Problems with midnight-weeping wanting to kill someone fest...while writing on an iPhone and not doing spell check.... (I will get around to editing it)
The Endo pain has been terrible for me. This marks day 4 of extreme pain/ my first period since the surgery.
Just an hour ago I was curled up on the bathroom floor gripping my stomach! It felt like my uterus is being ripped out and carving and making me want to puke and faint all at once.
I've had this pain before, hence the reason I had the surgery but NEVER this bad. And not sure why? Is it healing or is the endo still there or is it worse?
Today's pain has been the worst of the past few days. I feel like it is progressively getting worse over time. I still want to see what the doctor says.
I've taken more pain meds in the past three days then I took when I had surgery. Not normal!! I've also almost finished a bottle of 60 pills!!??? Yeah something needs to be fixed here
Dear self and hopefully people who will understand me:
I cannot explain how I feel or what I feel...but I feel like tonight I need to write this. Why? I don't know. Will I ever know? Probably not.
I am tired of not knowing things. I am laying in bed crying my eyes out for....the fifth day in a row?!! Or I don't know past 3 months?
I feel like I am trapped. Everything brings tears in me. I thought getting a job and keeping busy would help. In fact maybe it did for a bit but I need help.
I am embarrassed to ask anyone for help. I feel shame that my mentality is not the same as the rest of my family. I'm sad morning and night. My dad thinks I hate him. I don't. I just don't know how to deal with myself and I feel like isolating myself I won't hurt anyone. But I do I keep hurting the people I love and who love me.
My parents always said mental illness didn't exist and they had me brainwashed on that. But I know it exists and I can't hide it anymore. I've continuously asked them for help especially since I woke up from my surgery and they shrug it off saying I don't need to see anyone.
I'm sorry but the fact I can't stop crying. Hate everyone. Hate myself more. Having breakdowns over the stupidest things. Anger so raged I've thrown many things at the wall. I need it. I really do. How can I ask them to help me without another shrug?
The pain I'm in is real. When things get to much I pop pain meds. Same pain meds that give me stomach ulcers but they give me a form of relief or put me to sleep for hours.
I can't continue living like this. I really need help.
I have no idea where the depression has come from? But the doctors appointments for the past...7 years? Has not helped. The past 8 months alone I've had:
1 breast exam
5 blood tests
9 urine tests...
I've seen so many doctors and specialists. I'm tired of it. I want to stop and live a life.
I am in constant pain 24/7 from the fibromyalgia. Everyone thinks I am a normal human who can get up and do 18 hour days. But what they don't realize is after 3 hours I want to curl up in bed and cry.
Fibro is something my parents don't understand or try to understand. They don't realize I am in pain 24/7. They think I can go to school full time, work, skate, coach all because I am "young". I suffer chronic exhaustion because of the fibro and endo. I want to sleep all day at times but I force myself out of bed. For once I just wish they would open google and search the illnesses I have and maybe try to understand them especially before judging me and getting mad.
My parents also wonder why I'm never home half the time. I feel more "able to do things" if I am away from home. Staying at home makes my body think it's done for the day. Even if I am just out sitting at a rink it helps.
For a part of my family. It's always about them....always!! They say they love me but I get criticized every time I wear something they don't like. So what if I like leggings and sweaters and tank tops? I am not a girlie girl I am an athlete.
I haven't lost the amount of weight I've wanted to! Even with help. I have two diseases that make it hard. I try my best but again they criticize me on a daily basis. It's at the point I am going to save money to pay for my nutritionist so I am no longer a burden to them.
I wish they would take the time to realize what I have. And to stop putting me down all the time. It doesn't help. And then they wonder why I am never smiling.
And seriously? Why are they always right? they are never right. And stop bringing up my aunt. She has IBS that triggers when she has Indian food....okayyyy whatever. I suffer a lot more with other issues and do they even bother to ask how I feel every once in a while. Lately everytime I call I get lectured. So what's the point? If I cut them out at least I can take time to myself. But if I cut them out I still get yelled at and lectured at for ignoring them.
Sometimes I need time alone to recharge my batteries before going through this shit.
Arenas and skating. Yes I have issues but I still skate. Why? I love the sport and would be nothing without it. My arena friends, coaches fellow skaters (most of them) are my family. I need them to keep going.
Though, none realize how bad I've been feeling lately. I'm always able to take the pain away temporarily when on the ice. But if it's a bad day then I feel like a useless piece of shit who cannot do anything right.
My coach (of 10 months) has taken the time to understand the issues I'm dealing with. How to help me on and off the ice. Has my book about fibro to gain more knowledge. He has saved me several times in the past year (probably none he's known about) and at least I know I can talk to him whenever, break down and be understood. He's like a big brother that I have never had and one I will always need.
Ask any family member. They won't even know the definition of any disease. One family member thinks fibro is a leg condition. One thinks endo will be cured with a baby. One thinks nothing is there and it's all psychological even though doctors have proven I do have it with tests.
Learnnnnn these issues or stop making assumptions. You don't live with these AND ARE LUCKY YOU DONT and I'm trying really hard to do the best I can. I need understanding if some days I'm not as perky or talkative as others. I need understanding if something isn't done right away. I need understanding if you have to ask me several times. I have fibro fog I become very forgetful
That then leads to loops and viscous cycles.
I'm tired of hurting. Tired of this depression that comes with these diseases. I don't want sympathy. I want understanding. I wish my family would stop criticizing me. I wish they would stop making assumptions about things they don't know. And all in all, I wish they will help me before things get uncontrollable.
I love my family. I love my friend. I love my life (everything in it), I love my skating life. I love working out, I love my animals, I love everything but I need help! Please😔
Okay....for some reason I hate titles?? And beginnings ....Just not good at them. Anyways summer is finally here and ironically my body is starting to feel slightly better. Not so much Fibro pain...but some say weather and cold triggers it, and I am beginning to think that is a possibility.
I pulled my stitches out two weeks after the surgery. (No doctors required) They were driving me INSANE. So I ripped them out. It did not hurt.
I saw my cardiologist last week. I had open heart surgery when I was four years old. They said everything is good but I have to lose weight and be healthier for the next time I see them. OHHH and in three years I get another heard MRI ....Woooohoooooo -____-