As you all know. I suffer from a binge eating disorder. And was almost a month free of binging. But every day it is getting harder and harder to control.
Today, I'm not sure what triggered it but I was out of control. I couldn't even write down what I ate because I don't even know?!
I know one things for sure I enjoyed some Starbucks and Tims splurges. Coffee!! My main addiction and I think that's because I am in school and I am still studying.
Today...I want to be skinny. Like super thin. For those who are fellow quebecers I want to look like Maripier Morin. For the rest of you. Google her 😏
I want a body I can show off. One that's not in any pain...or less then I'm used too. One that can get through a day where I don't collapse. One that if I show up at the rink I don't cry before knowing what'll happen. Get where I'm heading at?
Another part that could have been a main trigger is today I wore sweat pants all day instead of my leggings. I feel more secure of myself in leggings because I am able to control what I eat so I don't pity myself in what I look like. In sweat pants it's all or nothing and it's like I have no control. What is the reason you may ask on why I tried this today even if I knew??
I had an exam today and felt like a slob in the morning. I woke up and the first thing I did was look in the mirror and judge myself. i didn't like my face, my hair, I was fat, I had saggy breasts, stretch marks, uneven lips. Like the criticism kept coming.
Another trigger that I think caused this is my stomach. It hasn't gone down in SEVERAL days!! It's been reaching from 50-75 inches everyday and no matter what I try to do it gets in my way and this causes frustration.
A part of me wishes I could snap my fingers and be thin. I've tried diets etc and they work to an extent.
But what I did learn this week is endometriosis causes swelling like what I'm getting. So we will see what the MRI shows and if that's the reason.
For now I am fighting off the urge to starve myself. Last time I ended up doing that the weight dropped a lot but everything else flared up and took weeks to go down.
Constant mind battles 😕