I cannot explain how I feel or what I feel...but I feel like tonight I need to write this. Why? I don't know. Will I ever know? Probably not.
I am tired of not knowing things. I am laying in bed crying my eyes out for....the fifth day in a row?!! Or I don't know past 3 months?
I feel like I am trapped. Everything brings tears in me. I thought getting a job and keeping busy would help. In fact maybe it did for a bit but I need help.
I am embarrassed to ask anyone for help. I feel shame that my mentality is not the same as the rest of my family. I'm sad morning and night. My dad thinks I hate him. I don't. I just don't know how to deal with myself and I feel like isolating myself I won't hurt anyone. But I do I keep hurting the people I love and who love me.
My parents always said mental illness didn't exist and they had me brainwashed on that. But I know it exists and I can't hide it anymore. I've continuously asked them for help especially since I woke up from my surgery and they shrug it off saying I don't need to see anyone.
I'm sorry but the fact I can't stop crying. Hate everyone. Hate myself more. Having breakdowns over the stupidest things. Anger so raged I've thrown many things at the wall. I need it. I really do. How can I ask them to help me without another shrug?
The pain I'm in is real. When things get to much I pop pain meds. Same pain meds that give me stomach ulcers but they give me a form of relief or put me to sleep for hours.
I can't continue living like this. I really need help.
I have no idea where the depression has come from? But the doctors appointments for the past...7 years? Has not helped. The past 8 months alone I've had:
1 breast exam
5 blood tests
9 urine tests...
I've seen so many doctors and specialists. I'm tired of it. I want to stop and live a life.
I am in constant pain 24/7 from the fibromyalgia. Everyone thinks I am a normal human who can get up and do 18 hour days. But what they don't realize is after 3 hours I want to curl up in bed and cry.
Fibro is something my parents don't understand or try to understand. They don't realize I am in pain 24/7. They think I can go to school full time, work, skate, coach all because I am "young". I suffer chronic exhaustion because of the fibro and endo. I want to sleep all day at times but I force myself out of bed. For once I just wish they would open google and search the illnesses I have and maybe try to understand them especially before judging me and getting mad.
My parents also wonder why I'm never home half the time. I feel more "able to do things" if I am away from home. Staying at home makes my body think it's done for the day. Even if I am just out sitting at a rink it helps.
For a part of my family. It's always about them....always!! They say they love me but I get criticized every time I wear something they don't like. So what if I like leggings and sweaters and tank tops? I am not a girlie girl I am an athlete.
I haven't lost the amount of weight I've wanted to! Even with help. I have two diseases that make it hard. I try my best but again they criticize me on a daily basis. It's at the point I am going to save money to pay for my nutritionist so I am no longer a burden to them.
I wish they would take the time to realize what I have. And to stop putting me down all the time. It doesn't help. And then they wonder why I am never smiling.
And seriously? Why are they always right? they are never right. And stop bringing up my aunt. She has IBS that triggers when she has Indian food....okayyyy whatever. I suffer a lot more with other issues and do they even bother to ask how I feel every once in a while. Lately everytime I call I get lectured. So what's the point? If I cut them out at least I can take time to myself. But if I cut them out I still get yelled at and lectured at for ignoring them.
Sometimes I need time alone to recharge my batteries before going through this shit.
Arenas and skating. Yes I have issues but I still skate. Why? I love the sport and would be nothing without it. My arena friends, coaches fellow skaters (most of them) are my family. I need them to keep going.
Though, none realize how bad I've been feeling lately. I'm always able to take the pain away temporarily when on the ice. But if it's a bad day then I feel like a useless piece of shit who cannot do anything right.
My coach (of 10 months) has taken the time to understand the issues I'm dealing with. How to help me on and off the ice. Has my book about fibro to gain more knowledge. He has saved me several times in the past year (probably none he's known about) and at least I know I can talk to him whenever, break down and be understood. He's like a big brother that I have never had and one I will always need.
Ask any family member. They won't even know the definition of any disease. One family member thinks fibro is a leg condition. One thinks endo will be cured with a baby. One thinks nothing is there and it's all psychological even though doctors have proven I do have it with tests.
Learnnnnn these issues or stop making assumptions. You don't live with these AND ARE LUCKY YOU DONT and I'm trying really hard to do the best I can. I need understanding if some days I'm not as perky or talkative as others. I need understanding if something isn't done right away. I need understanding if you have to ask me several times. I have fibro fog I become very forgetful
That then leads to loops and viscous cycles.
I'm tired of hurting. Tired of this depression that comes with these diseases. I don't want sympathy. I want understanding. I wish my family would stop criticizing me. I wish they would stop making assumptions about things they don't know. And all in all, I wish they will help me before things get uncontrollable.
I love my family. I love my friend. I love my life (everything in it), I love my skating life. I love working out, I love my animals, I love everything but I need help! Please😔